Jonathan Dobres

the receiving of monuments

GSU AwardA few weeks ago, my old employers at the George Sherman Union held the annual George Sherman Union Gala, a nifty little reunion/awards show/free food event. It gave me the opportunity to catch up with my friends and of course, eat free food. The Gala featured an award ceremony (dubbed “The Shermies” by troublemaking employees), featuring honors like Rookie of the Year, Most Valuable Employee, Office Hobbit, and my personal favorite, Most Likely to Become a Full-Timer.

The pictures that accompany this post show me receiving the George Sherman Union Distinguished Alumni Award, which is the only trophy that takes the form of an obelisk. Obelisks are, as you know, presented only to the great people of history – Cleopatra (one name, like Madonna), Akhenaten (one made-up name, like Prince), and George Washington (two names, like a little girl) to name a few.

What I’m saying here is that having my own obelisk puts me one step closer to godhood. You don’t need to fall to your knees in worship per se, but it’s good exercise and really, who is it hurting?

The next time someone tries, futilely, to point out one of my flaws I will simply look into their cloudy eyes ask, “Do you have an obelisk?” and the argument shall be extinguished then and there. I’ve also recently noticed the rarity of obelisk-shaped objects in our modern society, and I think something needs to be done about it. I’ve been considering opening a boutique that caters to this niche. I’ll call it Obelesque.