Jonathan Dobres

Season 4, Episode 17. Air date: December 23, 1995.

Just about every kids’ show does a holiday episode at some point, and a few of them even become modern classics. Just not this one. Sure as hell not this one. “Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas” exists because the network wanted a Christmas episode. That’s per head writer Eric Lewald in Previously On X-Men…, where he summarized this episode with the words, “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” This isn’t Letterboxd and I’m never going to review an episode in two sentences or less, but boy, this one tempted me. The episode’s plot is Christmas Special and its key themes are Christmas Special. The soundtrack is Christmas Special and most of the character beats are Christmas Special.

If you’ve been keeping up with my review series, then you probably want a more earnest synopsis of the goings-on. I’ll give it this much, it’s got a big helping of the slice of life scenes that I tend to like. The X-Men are in the midst of some lighthearted holiday antics. Jean and Gambit threaten to kill each other for control of the kitchen, Beast nearly blows up the mansion in an attempt to make cranberry sauce, and everyone hits the mall for some last minute shopping. That’s when the Morlocks bust into Rockefeller Center in a stolen ambulance. They say that Leech is gravely ill, and they implore Storm, whom you might recall is technically their leader, for help. The only viable treatment, given the Morlock’s lack of resources and inability to seek treatment at a hospital (points to the show for highlighting that), is a blood transfusion from Wolverine. Because why should any other character be important in an X-Men story?

Wolverine reveals yet another detail of his infinitely tragic backstory (a similar transfusion attempt failed with some kids, never referenced before or since), but after a bunch of Sad Times Back and Forth, he agrees to try it with Leech. It works, and Beast—the team’s actual medical expert—arrives just in time to do nothing other than give Leech a quick checkup. Also, there is an incredibly cloying, incredibly off-model mutant named Mariana for Jubilee to be sad with. Jubilee decides to give the Morlocks all the presents she’s bought, half of which are food (honestly a nice touch). Storm also formally reinstalls Callisto as the leader of the Morlocks. I’d point out that becoming their leader has previously required trial by combat, but hey, Christmas Special.

Nothing has ever demonstrated the difference between Christmas and Christianity for me quite like the contrast between this episode and “Nightcrawler”.

Stray observations:

• Jubilee’s characterization is way off in this story. She comes off like a little kid instead of the rebellious teen she’s supposed to be. However, when cajoling Wolverine to sing Christmas carols, she gets in a fun line: “You could sing the guys’ part on ‘Jingle Bells’. Cyclops is uhh…having his problems.” I’m going to work the phrase having his problems into as many situations as I can from now on.

• Beast: “I am unhurt. That is more than I can say for my cranberry glaze…Delightful! Though the chemical formula proved distressingly volatile, the harmony of flavors is impeccable!” Been there, Hank. If you know me (and if you’re reading this, you probably do), you know that I am a huge cranberry sauce fan.

• Wolverine, in the middle of all the holiday cheer: “Did I hear an attack alarm? Or would that be hopin’ for too much?”

• Storm has a dignified bearing and sense of self-worth that most people can only dream of. When Callisto insults her for finally showing up after her extended absence, she firmly replies, “I do not deserve that. We are here to help.”

• Storm uses her powers to lift the Morlocks’ stolen ambulance into the air, diverting it from some innocent bystanders. This would require hurricane force winds strong enough to tear the ambulance apart, but now I’m just being pedantic.