Jonathan Dobres

Season 5, Episode 5. Air date: February 8, 1997.

My review of “Beyond Good and Evil” was already a million words long, so I excised an observation about how Apocalypse’s opinion of himself changes (abruptly) over that story. He starts out by telling Cable, “Evil? I am not malevolent. I simply am.” By the end of the story, however, he seems to have concluded that he perpetually struggles against lesser beings because he is an incarnation of evil, and the universe simply cannot allow good or evil to triumph absolutely. Apocalypse seemed not to realize that unmaking all of reality would certainly qualify as evil’s ultimate victory, which may explain why his intricate scheme, centuries in the making, was somehow foiled by idiots like Cable and Bishop.

All this is to say, Apocalypse has come a long way from his season 1 debut as yet another X-Men villain who wanted to make perfect mutants. He’s the closest thing this show has to a living god. Fabian Cortez says as much in this episode. Apocalypse cannot ever truly win, but nor can he ever be completely destroyed. Thus, instead of blinking out of existence at the end of “Beyond Good and Evil” like he should have, Apocalypse has ended up stuck in the astral plane (say hi to the Shadow King for me) and in need of a new body.

Cortez, last seen regaining consciousness in Apocalypse’s lair at the end of “Sanctuary”, has been acting as Apocalypse’s instrument on Earth, a fitting role for a guy I think we can charitably describe as an absolute tool. Turns out that Apocalypse has a cult of worshippers and a backup Lazarus Chamber in the Andes, and Cortez has been working toward reincarnating his boss. Everything is prepared for the grand ritual, he just needs to find a young, strong mutant capable of hosting Apocalypse’s…soul? Essence? Whatever allows Apocalypse to retain his powers and exist as a translucent ghost in the astral plane.

Conveniently, Beast and Jubilee are in South America on a research trip. Beast gets to do archeological research and Jubilee gets to practice her Spanish. The pair of them work very well as a comedy duo. Imagine Frasier Crane getting an enthusiastic intern with pyrokinetic powers. I’ll also note that this is where a new animation studio took over, so the show looks different, especially Jubilee. There are odd animation errors throughout. In particular, sometimes characters (or just parts of characters, like Jubilee’s lips here) have a glow around them for no apparent reason.

Anyway, Apocalypse needs a new body, and Cortez, borrowing a page from his new boss, has empowered four former Morlocks as his “Hounds” to find one. They don’t do a very good job of it, but eventually clock Jubilee as the perfect candidate. They assault Jubilee and Beast just after Beast realizes that the ancient tablet he’s been studying, which he initially read as dedicated to “the end of the world”, is actually dedicated to Apocalypse. This would have made for a clever reveal if we didn’t already know that Apocalypse is in this story.

Things move quickly from there. The Hounds drag Beast and Jubilee back to the temple, and Cortez uses his powers to buff Beast into a rampaging animal, who runs off. He also repeatedly insults and dismisses one of his Hounds, Caliban, whom Jubilee recognizes from “Have Yourself A Morlock Little X-Mas” (so I guess that’s canon). This is a rare instance where I wish Jubilee had been given a throwaway line to remind us about that connection.

True to form, Cortez is his own worst enemy. Caliban finally works up the courage to betray him just in time for the sacrifice, and around the same time Beast returns to the temple to join the fight. Cortez hastily depowers everyone, but by then it’s too late. The temple is collapsing (for some reason), and Cortez is left alone on the altar. You see where this is going, right? Apocalypse gleefully thanks Cortez for providing such a fine vessel, takes over Cortez’s body, and transforms into his big blue self.

It’s passable Saturday morning stuff, firmly mid-tier. Lawrence Bayne’s nutty line readings as Cortez are a highlight, as he really leans into the Jay-Mohr-doing-Christopher-Walken of it all. Beast and Jubilee’s rapport is delightful. Late in the show’s run, these two are finally popping up more frequently, and the franchise is better for it.

Stray observations:

• The members of Apocalypse’s South American cult all sport a tattoo of his signature blue underbite. There are only a couple of shots of them as a group, but even for a Saturday morning cartoon, it’s pretty unsettling!

• When deciphering the tablet that points the way to Apocalypse’s temple, Beast gives Jubilee a quick lecture on the differences between Incan and Mayan civilization. It’s nice to see the show demonstrate Beast’s intellect with something other than poetry or technobabble.

• On the toilet: Wolverine, along with everyone else who is not Beast or Jubilee. For those of you keeping score at home, this is Wolverine’s fourth absence across the whole series.

Storm’s abilities have always felt like magic, much more so than any other X-Man’s. How, exactly, does she control the weather? The franchise doesn’t even bother with a theory. What are the limits of her powers? Don’t think too hard about it. Little wonder, then, that when X-Men: The Animated Series focuses on Storm, it goes for sword and sorcery settings more often than not. We first got a taste of this in “Savage Land, Strange Heart”, and now we’re going to be introduced to a whole new planet of shirtless, caped doofuses in “Storm Front”.

In this story, Storm tires of Earth’s racist ingrates and falls for an intergalactic hunk who treats her like a goddess. Naturally, he turns out to be a brutal tyrant. We get to see the X-Men react to one of their most stalwart members stepping away, as she falls for what is clearly the wrong guy. The ideas in this story are good, it’s the execution that falters.

Part 1

Season 5, Episode 3. Air date: November 2, 1996.

The X-Men fly to Washington, D.C. to try to stop an unprecedented weather disaster in the making. The episode doesn’t really posit any kind of plan here, but that’s not the point. Mutants are being blamed for the hurricane, and if you think that’s cartoony kid racism, you’re too young to remember the likes of Pat Robertson. Storm is especially hard hit by the freaky weather, which she cries is, “…not of the Earth!” She flies around D.C. doing her best to return the local weather system to normal, before falling dramatically from the top of the Washington Monument. She is saved by a green-eyed stud in a loincloth, cape, and helm. This is a man who put on this ensemble, looked at himself in the mirror, and thought, “You know what this needs? My largest quiver of arrows.”

This guy is Arkon, the source of the unearthly weather and ruler of the planet Polemachus. Yup, ruler of an entire planet. Arkon is another strangely deep cut into the Marvel catalog. He and Polemachus debuted in a 1970 Avengers story. Think Conan the Barbarian with an Asgardian magical-tech vibe. Polemachus exists in a parallel dimension and is sustained by its planetary rings, which are often affected by events on Earth, hence Arkon’s desire to destroy the Earth in his 1970 debut. The show’s version of this story borrows elements from 1979’s X-Men Annual #3, in which Storm and Cyclops ultimately team up to re-energize Polemachus’s rings, and 1981’s X-Men Annual #5, in which Storm and Arkon express feelings for each other. Arkon and Polemachus haven’t really shown up in the comics since, which should give you some idea of how cool they are, and how truly baffling it was for the show to do a Polemachus story in 1996.

Anyway, Arkon turns off his weather machine and tells Storm that his planet is endangered by weather even worse than what he caused in D.C. She is appalled that Arkon would risk the lives of millions of people just to scout her, and absolutely does not consent to joining him, but in her weakened state he’s able to carry her into a portal anyway. Storm manages to leave behind both her comm badge and one of Arkon’s magical technologically advanced portal-creating beads.

There are some fun character beats as the team is forced to hitch a ride home in some normie’s truck (the Blackbird had to pull an emergency landing) and eventually they accidentally activate the teleportation bead. Upon arriving on Polemachus, they’re beset by both the terrified populus (all in capes and weird helmets, naturally) and a cadre of hovering murderbots. The fight against the bots is not the show’s best work, but it has its moments. Jubilee, of all people, intimidates the angry crowd with her powers, which is a nice change of pace for her. Beast says, “This is not how I would have wished to learn about this new culture!” as he smashes a bot to pieces in self-defense.

They eventually prevail, and Beast sets about trying to triangulate Storm’s location. Jubilee suggests that anyone powerful enough to snatch Storm from a world away probably lives in the giant palace just over yonder, which again, is a fun moment for her (and Beast). Not that it matters, as the team is quickly hit by a teleport ray and sent directly to the palace’s dungeon. Not that it matters, as they quickly fake some infighting to get the guards inside their cell, and escape (presumably; this fight isn’t actually shown). They burst into Arkon’s throne room just as he and Storm are wrapping up the global realignment of the Polemachian climate.

The episode has been breaking up the fights with scenes in Arkon’s throne room. Storm doesn’t love that he abducted her, but faced with a planet imperiled, especially one imperiled by weather, she feels obligated to do the right thing and save lives. Getting in tune with an entire planet takes a lot of time and effort (which rankles Arkon), made more difficult by some kind of interference from a very suspicious glowing pylon at the city center. Arkon insists that this device is essential to planetary security (interesting wording there, my king), and Storm drops it. She’s eventually able to work her magic use her genetically-derived mutant powers to calm the weather across the entire planet, which raises a lot of questions about just how powerful Storm is.

It’s at this point that Cyclops, Wolverine, Beast, and Jubilee bust in to “save” Storm, which entails a brief tussle with Arkon. This enrages Storm, reverting the planet’s weather to its apocalyptic state. Storm calms everyone down and, with Arkon’s support, uses the last of her strength to correct the weather. There’s a notable reaction shot of Wolverine wincing as Arkon escorts her back to the throne so she can save the planet. The message is clear: Storm is trying to do the right thing, and the X-Men are just running around causing harm. “Whoa, guess they don’t need us at all,” says Jubilee.

Arkon is elated with Storm’s miraculous feat. The people adore her. Arkon proposes to her with the words, “Storm, I don’t know how Earth celebrates your incredible deeds, but I’ll tell you, Polemachus will love and worship you, now and forever. And so will I”. And she accepts! Without a doubt the biggest cliffhanger in the show’s entire run.

Now That’s What I Call ’90s: ozone layer mentioned! Polemachus’s aberrant weather is due to the weakening of its planetary ring, which Arkon says, “protects our planet as the ozone layer protects your Earth”. Every ’90s kid remembers being educated about the dangers of the hole in the ozone layer. It’s a real triumph of science education and international cooperation, actually. Ozone depletion was discovered in 1985, along with the attendant risks of increased UV radiation exposure and other effects. By 1996, the world had agreed to ban the production of chlorofluorocarbons, and the ozone layer has been recovering ever since. That I can type “chlorofluorocarbon” from memory is a testament to how effective (and ubiquitous) the educational efforts were. In the ’90s, we worried that the ozone layer might have been damaged beyond repair. Thirty years on, thanks to science and good public policy, we’re instead projecting the complete recovery of the ozone layer by the time I retire.

Stray observations:

• We get to see the Blackbird use that SHIAR CLOAK. Neat!

• It’s fun to see Jubilee taking a more central role for a change, but the way she bosses around Cyclops in the opening scene feels off to me. She calls him “Cyke” a lot.

• On the toilet: Rogue, Gambit, and (of course) Jean.

Part 2

Season 5, Episode 4. Air date: November 9, 1996.

Part 2’s best scene is its very first. The X-Men are in disbelief that one of their own would abandon them, or three out of four them are, anyway. Cyclops isn’t thrilled about it, but maintains that Storm is allowed to make her own choices. This opinion seems like a better fit for Wolverine or even the absent Gambit, but as always, the show puts the worst opinion in Cyclops’s mouth. Jubilee is also basically on board with Storm getting hitched to a space hunk, though as we’ll see, she’s more clear-eyed about the situation than Storm is.

Storm herself cuts into the debate to explain that she is, in fact, thinking clearly. She’s tired of putting her life at risk for a world that continues to hate mutants and, more to the point, she’s been an X-Man since she was a teenager. Hers has been a life of self-control, and of being controlled. This is the first real choice she’s ever had, and from where she’s sitting, it’s an easy one. The people treat her like a goddess (they are literally erecting a giant statue of her outside), a superhunk is in love with her, and surely she’ll revolutionize Polemachian fashion sense (this last part is my own extrapolation).

It’s a pretty compelling argument! Unfortunately, Part 1 already dropped plenty of hints that Arkon is bad news, and the very next scene will make that explicit. We get an inside view of a planning session with his scheming advisors, who helpfully say out loud that the mysterious pylon at the center of town is what caused the weather disruption and what powers the murderbots and agony bracelets. Arkon has been running a totalitarian state with an enslaved underclass, and now that the planet’s weather is back under control, he can invade Polemachus’s sister planet, Belgania, for more forced labor.

I can’t find a single reference to Belgania outside the show, so I don’t think it exists in the comics. In any event, it’s unnecessary. Belgania might as well be another country instead of another planet, and might have worked better that way. Subjugating an entire world is fantasy. Invading another country for slaves is something that actually happened here on Earth, more than once. The vast void of space be damned, Arkon sends out his fleet and brings back Belganian slaves faster than I can round trip to my grocery store.

This story’s biggest misstep is in revealing Arkon as a tyrant to the audience way, way before Storm comes around. There’s something to be said for her being blinded by her high status on Polemachus, overwhelmed by the (mandatory) public adoration and Arkon’s lavish attention (Wolverine mentions that as a child, she was worshipped as a god). But Arkon is such a bad dude. A slave fails to bow to Storm and Arkon activates her agony bracelet. Jubilee is understandably freaked out by the whole thing, and yet Storm continues to make excuses for her fiancé. The Storm of “Slave Island” would have electrocuted Arkon on the spot for such brutality.

While Storm and Jubilee are getting ready for the royal wedding, Cyclops, Wolverine, and Beast are getting very suspicious about all these battleships and caravans of miserable looking people. They eventually find a Belganian interment camp and raise some hell. They confront Arkon at a pre-wedding banquet, where he finally snaps, revealing his true tyrannical nature so overtly that not even Storm can remain in denial. The ensuing fight is decent, and actually lets Cyclops rack up some cool points.

Storm, for her part, flies into a rage, taking Polemachus’s weather with her. Entire buildings collapse under her unrestrained fury. Ultimately, Jubilee pleads with her to calm down for the sake of the planet. It’s a bit of an easy ending, but then again, Jubilee has been by Storm’s side throughout this story, so it’s earned, at least. In the epilogue, Arkon makes one last attempt to persuade Storm to stay, but part of his sales pitch includes the humdinger: “The slaves! What are they to our happiness,” which is a hell of a thing to say to a black woman. Storm responds by blasting apart Arkon’s security pylon, presumably leaving him to be torn apart by a planet’s worth of furious Belganians.

Overall, a mixed bag of an episode. I think it’s a decent spotlight for Storm (finally), and very effectively elevates her relationship with Jubilee. Polemachus is just such a goofy setting, a land of crazy helmets and perpetually shirtless guys in capes. Making Arkon such an obvious villain was a mistake. This story might have worked better if Arkon was better at playing dumb, keeping the nastiest parts of his society out of Storm’s sight and saving the reveal of his true colors for the final act.

Stray observations:

• On the toilet: Rogue, Gambit, and Jean (as before), plus Professor Xavier, who only briefly appeared in Part 1.

Season 5 is the show’s last and shortest, with just ten episodes produced for it. Courtesy of Fox’s episode shuffling, the season was lengthened with a few episodes originally produced for earlier seasons, bringing the aired total to fourteen. The four I’ve already covered are: “A Deal with the Devil”, “No Mutant Is an Island”, “Longshot”, and “Bloodlines”. The only one of those that’s any good is “Bloodlines”, which is very good indeed.

Given all of that, I wasn’t very optimistic going into “The Phalanx Covenant”, but it turned out to be one of the show’s strongest stories. It feels almost as epic as “Beyond Good and Evil” in half the run time. Well plotted, lots of fun, and chock full of the little details that take an episode of X-Men from good to great. Unlike most of the show’s two-parters, both halves are solid Saturday morning entertainment. Squint, and it almost looks like an MCU movie in miniature.

However, there’s one detail in these episodes that is going to drive me insane. The title cards for this story call the first part, “Phalanx Covenant: Part One”, while the second part is titled, “The Phalanx Covenant: Part II”. What, did they decide on the use of definite articles and Roman numerals with a dartboard?

Phalanx Covenant: Part One

Season 5, Episode 1. Air date: September 7, 1996.

This episode opens with Beast and Jubilee on a quick mission to corral a rampaging Sabretooth. While I question the wisdom of bringing Jubilee along for something like this, it’s clear that Beast has no intention of putting her in harm’s way. He just gasses Sabretooth and a crowd of bystanders from the safety of the Blackbird, and they bring Sabretooth back to the X-Mansion. Beast and Xavier decide to conceal Sabretooth’s presence from Wolverine for obvious reasons. Jubilee, of course, immediately blabs about this to Storm, at which point Wolverine goes nuts and demands to see Xavier. “The Professor’s in the gym!” Jubilee cries, as Wolverine stomps off.

We’ve got to talk about what’s going on in this gym. Charles Xavier is shown on the parallel bars, where he executes a few swings, a turn, a sort-of planche, and a dismount so unique that it’s probably just called “the Xavier”. I asked a physical therapist friend of mine whether there was any way in hell a paraplegic could perform these moves. He said it was “highly unlikely”, and would require both an extremely specific spinal cord injury and an assist from psionic powers. But whatever Xavier’s doing, it’s clearly working. He’s the most cut 60 year-old I’ve ever seen. Meanwhile, Rogue is shown lifting weight on a special apparatus that reads 65 tons. It’s not clear what exercise she’s doing exactly, since she’s only briefly shown in the background, but her arms are moving up and down in a way that vaguely suggests something like a preacher curl.¹

From there, the episode rapidly becomes a horror movie. Something emanates from Sabretooth and takes over the mansion’s computers. Xavier gets a desperate video call from, of all people, Mister Sinister, who warns him that, “The creature consumes matter! It can take on any form. You cannot wait!”. But it’s already too late, as a black and yellow tentacle grabs Xavier from behind. Beast briefly becomes the episode’s final girl, barely outrunning the creature, only to find the rest of the X-Men trapped in cocoons. He even sidesteps a suspicious hazmat team, quickly revealed to be more shapeshifting creatures (the stakes, they are rising). Serious props to the animators on this episode. Throughout this sequence the effects are dynamic and clever (the creature chasing Beast through the building’s wiring, for example), a very noticeable change from the show’s usual stiff style.

Beast manages to get away by “borrowing” Wolverine’s Jeep (a nice continuity detail), where he finds a stowaway: Warlock, heir apparent to the Phalanx Covenant. Warlock is another Chris Claremont creation, debuting back in 1984. His character history is tangled up in the relationship between the Technarchy (which debuted the same year) and the Phalanx, which debuted in 1993. Both the Technarchy and the Phalanx are galactic alien powers bent on consuming the universe one way or another. Whether the Technarchy created the Phalanx or vice versa depends on what year of comics you’re reading. The show wisely streamlines things to just the Phalanx, and gives them the Borg-like motivation of wanting to assimilate all worthwhile life. As for Warlock, he’s considered a mutant among his people, the mutation being pacifism. He and his “Life Mate”² fled the Phalanx and crash landed on Earth, which has inadvertently summoned the rest of the Phalanx and endangered the planet.

Saving the exposition dump for halfway through the episode gave the Phalanx some time to feel like a real mystery, and they’re all the scarier for it. Beast and Warlock make their way to Beast’s lab at Grace Eye Clinic (another nice bit of continuity), where Beast is able to determine that the Phalanx are electromagnetic in nature. Thus they can move incredibly quickly over any wire or metal, though they seem to struggle to assimilate mutants. Science Corner is punctuated by a call to President Robert Jefferson Kelly, who invites Beast and Warlock to share their findings in person. Warlock realizes that President Kelly shouldn’t be aware of him, which—dun dun dun—means that he’s already been assimilated (the stakes, they are rising!).

Beast instead contacts Forge, who agrees to meet him at a diner. The alien power that is rapidly conquering the planet gives Beast just enough time to catch up Forge and Quicksilver on the goings-on, before a violent mob of assimilated Phalanx surround the diner. The good guys are able to make an escape thanks to an assist from the rather conspicuous Mister Sinister, but not before losing Quicksilver to the Phalanx (the stakes, they continue to rise!). Beast casually tosses a live grenade back into the diner as they exit, for good measure. We’ll later learn that assimilation can be reversed, which means Beast probably just killed a few innocent people. Look, it’s been a busy day for the guy. He hasn’t even had time to sleep since gassing that crowd yesterday.

Beast, Forge, Warlock, and Sinister take a moment to collect themselves in Sinister’s jet. Beast reasons that given how fast the Phalanx have spread, they’ll take over most of the planet within four days. Forge argues—be still my scientist heart—that Beast may be using the wrong assumptions in his model, since the Phalanx are intelligent, and could potentially work even faster than that. It’s a real low point for the heroes, as they confront the overwhelming odds against them. Meanwhile, over at the assimilated Empire State Building (now “The Spire”), a malevolent tower of faces schemes to take over the world.

Stray observations:

• Warlock shapeshifts to become Forge’s missing (due to assimilation) prosthetic leg, which I’m sure is a fetish for a non-zero number of people.

• Beast, reacting to Warlock telescoping his eyes: “Please don’t do that.”

• On the toilet: no one per se, but Gambit, Cyclops, and Jean (of course) are only briefly visible inside the Phalanx’s cocoons.

The Phalanx Covenant: Part II

Season 5, Episode 2. Air date: September 7, 1996.

Part 2 continues the suspenseful action and rising stakes of Part 1, as more and more of the planet is taken over by the Phalanx. At the same time, the enemy gets some identifiable faces. The nameless creature that’s been chasing the good guys is Warlock’s Life Mate, albeit under some kind of Phalanx mind control. The rest of the Phalanx gets an antagonistic face in the form of Cameron Hodge. In the comics, Hodge is a longtime adversary who did at one point steal the powers of the Phalanx via Warlock. On the show, Hodge appeared as a Genoshan government functionary waaaaay back in season 1’s “Slave Island”, making his presence here an extremely deep cut that I’m pretty sure no one watching in 1996 would have gotten.

Part 2 is also where our heroes will be figuring things out and saving the day, of course, though the path to victory is anything but easy. Forge confirms that the Phalanx can’t seem to assimilate the x-gene, which will buy them some time. This also explains why Sinister’s lab and the X-Mansion, the two greatest resources for mutant genetics on Earth, were the Phalanx’s earliest targets. This episode does a great job blending the required expository beats with ever-rising stakes. Our heroes first stop over at Muir Island to try to develop a virus that will reverse assimilation.³ The Phalanx consumes all of Muir Island but the good guys add Amelia Voght⁴ to the party. Then they jet over to the Arctic Circle to pick up a very depressed Magneto, whose electromagnetic powers will be needed to isolate a sample of the Phalanx from the rest of the collective.

I really like the little details here. Amelia stops Sinister from blowing up the doors to Magneto’s fortress and just turns everyone into mist for an easy entrance (which will come in handy later). Showing mutants using their powers on the show about mutants is something that season 4 often struggled with (just look at how often “Beyond Good and Evil” fell back on guns). Sinister and Magneto also despise each other (they parted on very poor terms, you’ll recall), though Magneto sets that aside in the name of helping Quicksilver. Then it’s off to Newfoundland to get a sample of the Phalanx. Why Newfoundland? I mean, why not?

The very quick trip to northeastern Canada is kept interesting via a clever use of Warlock’s powers to disguise Magneto. It’s maybe a little over-engineered for all the good it does, but the point is, it’s fun. The wee bit of Phalanx goo that Magneto collects transforms into the disembodied head of Cameron Hodge. He monologues about how assimilation will, at last, be the “final solution” (yikes) to the scourge of mutants. Before Hodge’s head can wax poetic about any thousand year Reichs, the virus works, and he reverts to a brick. Meanwhile, over at The Spire, the Phalanx has worked out how to assimilate mutants, though it’s still going to be a slow process.

By this point, everything is in place for the final act. Our band of six heroes divides in two (been a while since we’ve seen that), with Sinister, Forge, and Amelia misting into The Spire to raise some hell. My favorite part of this sequence is when Sinister frees Cyclops, who regains consciousness and immediately tries to laser Sinister’s head off. Even Jean gets pulled out of a cocoon to actually do something! Shortly thereafter, Magneto, Beast, and Warlock bust in to deliver the viral attack. Back on Muir Island, Warlock had decided that if destroying the Phalanx was going to kill Life Mate, he might as well die with her. I wish the episode had the courage to follow through. Because Warlock is “immature”, he’s not fully part of the Phalanx collective, and so survives (somehow). He then happens upon a pile of goo that used to be Life Mate and resurrects her. It’s the only part of this story I’d change, honestly.

With the Phalanx’s local powers destroyed, everyone and everything reverts to normal, as is the way with cartoons. The best part of the epilogue is a quick shot of Mister Sinister scampering off in the background, just running as fast as his evil little legs will carry him. Cyclops sees him escaping and turns to follow, but Jean stops him, which makes absolutely no sense. Jean, honey, this man abducted you. On your honeymoon. TWICE. He’s an unrepentant monster who recently joined forces with a man who was trying to destroy the entire universe and all of history. Let your hot husband go kill him, please.

Stray observations:

• Before Hodge reverts to a brick, he and Beast have a chance to trade perspectives about “the perfection of the hive” versus the wonder of diversity. This is exactly the kind of thing I wish “Love in Vain” had made room for.

• Magneto and Quicksilver share a loving embrace in the end. I guess they patched things up between this story and the the last time they saw each other.

• On the toilet: no one! Everyone at least appears on camera briefly, even if, like Jubilee, they’re just in a single shot. It’s refreshing to see Wolverine in a reduced role, for once.

Season 4 is X-Men: The Animated Series’s largest, weighing in at twenty-one episodes across fifteen stories. While a lot of the season falls short, especially the season finale, there are still standouts to enjoy.

By this point in the show’s run, the writers could no longer count on episodes airing in their intended order, so continuity is light. That said, I couldn’t help but notice a few recurring themes. We learn more about Charles Xavier in this season than anywhere else. There are episodes about his childhood, his college years, his ex-girlfriend, his ex-fiancé, and even his founding of the X-Men (sort of). The season is also a bit preoccupied with family drama, whether Magneto’s, Nightcrawler’s, or even Moira MacTaggert’s.

There are a lot of conspicuous absences in season 4. Cyclops, the supposed leader of the X-Men, misses more stories than he appears in, as do Gambit and Jubilee. Trust me, I counted. But nobody gets it worse than Jean this season. She has practically vanished from the show, appearing in just five stories. Only in three of them does she do more than wave hello, and that’s only if I count her brief contributions in “Weapon X, Lies, and Video Tape” and “Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas”. She spends all of “Beyond Good and Evil” trapped in a glass tube and has a total of maybe four lines across 88 minutes. The only episode where she does anything meaningful is “Xavier Remembers”.

On the other end of the spectrum we have Wolverine, who misses just two episodes: the first half of “Sanctuary” and Cyclops’s solo episode (so while he misses two episodes, he only misses one story). And Wolverine is never just present. If he’s showing up, he’s doing something. I wish the writers had that attitude with more characters.

Worst Episode

“Xavier Remembers”, which is boring, nonsensical, and badly animated. How did Xavier defeat the Shadow King all those years ago? How, exactly, did that inspire him to found the X-Men? The episode does no work to show us, but insists on telling us that it’s so.

Dishonorable mentions: “A Deal with the Devil”, an episode which features four X-Men but somehow only uses the powers of one of them, briefly. “One Man’s Worth” should also be on the dishonored list, since it’s a story about how Charles Xavier’s premature death completely reshapes the timeline, yet forgets to show us what makes Xavier so special. We should also ding “Lotus and the Steel” for its bad mashup of Eat, Pray, Love and Seven Samurai. I was tempted to put “Beyond Good and Evil” here, too, but Parts 1 and 2 are fun enough to recommend watching. Just stop after that.

Finally, “Have Yourself a Morlock Little X-Mas” is terrible, but it gets a special exemption because it’s a network-mandated Christmas special.

Best Episode

Definitely “Nightcrawler”. The writers put a ton of care into this story, and it shows. It’s a great episode and Adrian Hough gives what is probably the best guest performance in the entire series.

As for honorable mentions, the writers liked Nightcrawler so much that they gave him a second episode, “Bloodlines”, which is X-Men as it should be: cool powers, fun antics, high emotion. “Courage” also stands out for how well it closes up Morph’s tormented time on the show, and the first half of “Sanctuary” is magnificent, peak Magneto.

Worst Hero

Cable, by a mile. He’s an obnoxious, humorless, hypermasculine edgelord who does nothing but screw up for an hour and a half straight, then acts like the X-Men owe him something. 3999 A.D. is all explosions and gunfire, a completely different show that I simply cannot bring myself to care about.

Best Hero

Nightcrawler, by a mile. Like I said, the show’s portrayal of the character is great. You can’t help but love the guy. The writers obviously loved him, too. Nightcrawler gets two main episodes, plus a little cameo in “Lotus and the Steel” and a silent (but pretty cool) action scene during the alt-1995 battle royale of “One Man’s Worth”. All totaled, I think Nightcrawler might actually get more screen time this season than Jean.

Worst Villain

Trevor Fitzroy, the worst guy in your office. He’s got an annoying sycophant for a sidekick (Bantam), doesn’t follow basic instructions from his tyrannical boss (Master Mold), and only begrudgingly agrees to solve a problem that he himself caused when it personally affects him.

Dishonorable mention: the Silver Samurai, or at least this version of him, which is badly miscalculated in every way.

Best Villain

Magneto, who isn’t quite an antihero by the end of season 4. Let’s get the ugly part out of the way first. Erik Magnus Lehnsherr agreed to work for the overtly evil Apocalypse. It doesn’t matter that he has a change of heart in the end. I think Magneto, of all people, would understand that the sentence, “I was just following orders,” does not exempt one from the ethical consequences of one’s actions.

His scheme in “Sanctuary”—abducting mutants to build his commune and stealing 200 nuclear weapons to arm it—is clearly villainous. That said, it’s a justifiable kind of villainy, the kind that makes you want to buy “Magneto Was Right” merch. And his stoic acknowledgement of the pain he’s caused his family is the best part of “Family Ties”.

Most Improved

A tough call in a universe without strong continuity, but I think it’s old Professor X. Charles Xavier is intellectual to the point of iciness on this show. Abandoning Gambit in “Sanctuary” and ignoring Wolverine’s immediate suffering so that he can chat with Magneto in “Family Ties” come to mind. But the sheer amount of time the show spends with Xavier this season reveals new sides to his personality. I’m thinking specifically of his vulnerability in “The Juggernaut Returns” and his paternal pride in “Beyond Good and Evil”.

I also have to give a nod to Jubilee. She only has a few appearances, but she’s funny every time, so at least she’s growing into a reliable comic relief role.

“Beyond Good and Evil” was supposed to be X-Men: The Animated Series’s grand finale, not just for the season, but for the whole show. It was to be a supersized story that culminated in permanent changes to the team roster. Regulars like Cyclops and Storm would depart, while new faces like Bishop, Archangel, and Psylocke would take up the cause of mutant-human peace. Then Fox decided to order an abbreviated fifth season, making such changes untenable. Per Eric Lewald, this story had to be completely reworked in about two days. It shows.

Should we grade this one on a curve? There are things to enjoy in these four episodes, particularly in Parts 1 and 2. But things rapidly fall apart after that, with tons of loose ends that never get properly resolved. Characters just sort of drop out of the story as it goes on. The core X-Men wind up strangely absent from their own finale, leaving the dumbest man in the franchise, Cable, to close things out with little more than a big gun.

Part 1: The End of Time

Season 4, Episode 18. Air date: November 4, 1995.

I have made my feelings about Cable abundantly clear throughout these reviews, so obviously I’m not thrilled to see we’re starting in 3999. Cable and—heavy sigh—Clan Chosen infiltrate Apocalypse’s pyramid. The animation is terrible. Just look at this screenshot of Cable’s son, Tyler, assuming you can make him out under his shoulder pads. The last time we saw Tyler he was a little kid, so either “3999 A.D.” is shorthand for an entire era, or they grow up very fast in the far future. The action is practically nonexistent. Cable unlocks Apocalypse’s defenses by waving his hand around and then asking his computer for the answer to a puzzle. He then attempts to kill Apocalypse with a gun. If this is your idea of a good time, you’re going to love the way this story ends.

The whole sequence is really just there to lay down the exposition. Apocalypse’s one actual weakness is that once every hundred years, he must return to his Lazarus Chamber to regenerate and sustain his near-immortality. Cable is predictably unsuccessful in trying to shoot Apocalypse, who snatches his time traveling computer in the midst of some delicious monologuing (“Evil? I am not malevolent. I simply am.”). Apocalypse muses that despite his obvious superiority, he’s been locked in a pointless struggle against lesser beings for millennia. Before Cable can grunt a reply, Apocalypse vanishes into the time stream.

Also appearing in the time stream: Bishop, who unluckily crosses paths with Apocalypse while trying to make the return trip from “One Man’s Worth” (points to the show for some ambitious continuity). Apocalypse’s intrusion into the time stream literally knocks Bishop out of the universe, landing him at the End of Time, a surreal space with a single inhabitant hanging out on a rainbow bridge (possibly the Bifrost). This weirdo, Bender, strongly evokes Robin Williams at the height of his cocaine era. Even at fourteen, I probably found Bender’s torrent of Looney Tunes gags and goofy non sequiturs grating. Bishop does his best to brush off Bender and begins walking toward the End of Time’s only point of interest: an Escher-inspired building that we’ll later learn is the Temporal Control Center. Bishop is going to be walking towards it for the entirety of this four-parter, if you can believe it.

Now fully halfway through the episode, we return to the present and finally see some X-Men. Cyclops and Jean are getting married, again, presumably having verified that their new priest is not a mentally traumatized shapeshifter. It’s a pretty lovely scene, actually. Beast quotes poetry, Xavier waxes philosophical about his first X-Men growing up, Rogue catches the bouquet (to her chagrin), and Wolverine looks utterly miserable. Hey, at least he bothered attending this time. I will also note that he’s wearing the same peach bowtie as everyone else, which implies that he’s in the wedding party. These are the kinds of details that escaped me in childhood but catch my eye in middle age.

Everything’s going great until Storm says as much out loud, practically summoning the Nasty Boys (Nasty Boys), plus the only cool Mutate, Vertigo. The Nasty Boys manage to knock Cyclops and Jean unconscious (one of her two natural states, along with Possessed by Cosmic Entity), and quickly toss her into a portal. While the X-Men are out searching for her, none other than Mister Sinister (last glimpsed in “Sanctuary”) appears at the X-Mansion to vamp. His goal is to abduct Xavier, and he nearly succeeds, but with Cyclops back in the fight by this point and a surprise appearance from Shard (chasing Bishop’s temporal anomaly), it’s all Sinister can do to flee through a portal as Rogue snatches Xavier. There’s practically an entire episode’s worth of character beats and fun action packed into these final ten minutes, and I have to give the show credit for some nimble storytelling here.

Sinister’s former henchmen are working for someone other than him. It’s all pretty fun, if nothing else. Seeing arch-nemesis Mister Sinister casually stride into the familiar home of the X-Mansion, especially after the coziness of a wedding, is pretty thrilling. The episode closes with Jean arriving at the End of Time, imprisoned in a glass tube, where Apocalypse is revealed as the mastermind of the whole scheme. This is played as a shock reveal, but given how the episode started, it doesn’t feel that way. The episode would probably have been better if it gave the entire run time to the wedding and melee with the Nasty Boys (feat. Vertigo), allowed the entrance of Apocalypse at the end be a genuine twist, and saved his motivations for a later flashback.

Stray observations:

• Cable tells his son that “500 centuries” of research have led them to strike Apocalypse at this moment. He surely meant 50 centuries (5,000 years). Or maybe Cable is just really dumb, as the rest of this four-parter strongly indicates.

• Apocalypse: “You DEFILE my saaaacred CHAAAAAMBER!???”

• Rogue, catching the bouquet: “Whole lotta good it’s gonna do me.” Gambit is right there, Rogue!

• As all hell breaks loose at the X-Mansion, Xavier tasks Jubilee with getting rid of the normie wedding guests. The next time we see her, she has done so. I really wish we’d seen how.

• The Nasty Boys (Naaasty Boooooys) still aren’t the most interesting villain crew, but seeing them at odds with Arch-Delegator Mister Sinister was a fun twist. Unfortunately, they’ll skip most of the rest of the story, making only the most minor contributions to the fights in Part 4.

Part 2: Promise of Apocalypse

Season 4, Episode 19. Air date: November 11, 1995.

Part 2 is this story’s finest half hour, absolutely packed with ambitious action and a ton of guest characters. Even keeping my summary to the bare essentials, it’s a lot, so apologies in advance.

This twenty minutes has a little something for everyone, even the freaks who like the Shi’ar. Empress Lilandra’s troublesome sister, Deathbird, is attempting a violent coup. She gets worrisomely close to offing Lilandra, before Gladiator bursts through the floor to stop her. It’s at this point that Deathbird’s ace in the hole, Apocalypse, emerges from a portal and abducts not Lilandra, but her court psychic, Oracle. John Colicos makes a meal out of double-crossing Deathbird before departing. Having Apocalypse visit the Shi’ar was a smart way to raise the stakes, but just as with the Nasty Boys, we won’t be seeing them again.

Back at the End of Time, Jean coaxes a little more exposition out of Apocalypse. We learn that since time doesn’t pass here, he’s been able to spend the equivalent of a thousand years studying the Temporal Control Center. Sinister and Deathbird (and later, Magneto, Mystique, and Sabretooth) are all working for Apocalypse because he’s promised them whatever they most want, though how he plans to deliver, if at all, remains a mystery.

Back on Earth and with the benefit of a tip from Lilandra, Xavier reasons that whatever Apocalypse’s goal is, he’s abducting psychics to accomplish it. For those of us in the audience who like it when characters have thoughts and opinions, the episode makes time for a sharp little debate about what to do next. Cyclops wants to surveil other psychic mutants in case the bad guys show up. Storm is firmly against the idea of using people as bait (“You cannot endanger innocent people just to save Jean.”), and Gambit, as usual, has a more chaotic take. “If they be psychic, they already know, right?” Xavier gets the final word, agreeing with Cyclops and setting the episode’s wild second half in motion.

I was going to tee up this part with some background on Psylocke, but good lord, look at her Marvel Fandom entry. More twists and turns in that character history than the Temporal Control Center. Suffice to say that Elizabeth “Betsy” Braddock started out in the pages of Captain Britain, Marvel’s 1970s attempt to break into the UK market. By 1995, she had become Psylocke, a hot telepathic ninja who wields stylish purple “psi-daggers”. Now That’s What I Call ’90s!

Psylocke is an elite thief, and we get our first glimpse of her as she’s sneaking into Worthington Castle. Archangel, who’s looking a lot more sane than the last time we saw him, wastes little time confronting her. The quick fight culminates with Psylocke nonsensically jumping off a cliff, or so it seemed. It’s one of the last clever things we’ll see anyone do in this entire story. Archangel, who is clearly into Psylocke, rescues her, only for her to literally stab him in the back and knock him unconscious. He wakes up just as Psylocke is driving away with his stuff, so he decides to tail her back to her London warehouse.

Wolverine and Shard, following Xavier’s plan, have been on a stakeout near the warehouse just in case Psylocke showed up. Psylocke and Archangel start going at it (fighting! I mean fighting!), with Psylocke accusing Archangel of being a wealthy assimilationist and Archangel accusing her of being a common thief. Before they can finish the argument, Sabretooth rips through the warehouse doors, followed by Mystique, who is followed by Wolverine, Shard, and—surprise!—Magneto. So there are seven powerful mutants duking it out over the course of a few minutes. The whole sequence is maybe a little too cute and quippy, but Jennifer Dale’s sardonic performance as Mystique stands out as especially fun.

Magneto brings the fight to a decisive end. He pins Wolverine to a conveniently placed battleship (the warehouse is next to a harbor). He then drops the entire ship, Wolverine still attached, on Psylocke’s warehouse, just to make a point, before carrying her into a portal. Back in “Family Ties”, when the High Evolutionary said that Magneto’s genes were the key to overwhelming mutant power, he knew what he was talking about.

Storm and Gambit rush over from their own stakeout to do cleanup, which as we’ll see in the final scene, allowed Sinister to abduct another unnamed (and apparently not very important) telepath. Lastly (and leastly) we revisit 3999 A.D., where Cable and Tyler are manfully climbing a cliff, as Cable explains that he’s going to steal the government’s last remaining time machine.

Oh, and we also get a quick shot of Bishop walking toward the Temporal Control Center. That’s all for him this episode.

Stray observations:

• Apocalypse had, by his own reckoning, a millennium to hatch this scheme. Wouldn’t it be much harder to interfere with his plan if he abducted psychics from across the centuries, instead of sticking to 1995? Cartoons!

• Archangel, regaining consciousness: “That’s the last time I save a falling ninja.”

• Shard notes that Archangel is “destined to join the X-Men,” an obvious leftover from the version of this story that was going to permanently shuffle the team.

• When I say this episode is a little too quippy for its own good, I mean lines like Gambit’s, “All tied up and nowhere to go?” as he frees Wolverine from the side of the ship.

• On the toilet: technically, all of the core X-Men appear, but Rogue and Jubilee are inexplicably relegated to blink-and-you’ll-miss-them background appearances, essentially dropping out of the story after Part 1.

Part 3: The Lazarus Chamber

Season 4, Episode 20. Air date: November 18, 1995.

Part 3 is where “Beyond Good and Evil” falls apart. We pick up with Cable and Tyler in 3999 A.D., unfortunately. To stop Apocalypse, Cable wants to destroy his Lazarus Chamber at its origin point in 1200 B.C. To do that, he has to gain access to the world’s last remaining time machine, and to do that, he needs to infiltrate a heavily guarded facility. Whose facility? Cable’s comments in the last episode suggest it belongs to the government, but if that’s true, what’s the deal with Apocalypse ruling 3999? It’s all terribly vague and impossible to care about. Cable grunts his way through a series of explosions, interchangeable robot soldiers, and lots—and I mean lots—of gunfire. More guns than this show has ever seen in a single episode, I think. A really upsetting amount of guns. Even this sequence’s best attempt to gin up the stakes, by putting Tyler in harm’s away (again, from a random robot, for no clear reason) involves Tyler just trading gunfire with the thing for what feels like forty-five minutes. This feels like a completely different show, and a bad one at that.

Anyway, Cable takes control of the hybrid time machine / spaceship known as Graymalkin, and nearly runs Bishop over while passing through the Axis of Time (Bishop spends this episode continuing to walk forward, FYI). Apocalypse, from his vantage point in the Temporal Control Center, cackles malevolently and forces Cable to detour to 1995. I’ll give the episode this much: that’s a nice bit of foreshadowing that Apocalypse has things well in hand and Cable’s plan isn’t going to work.

Cable lands at the X-Mansion right around the time that Wolverine beats the crap out of Sabretooth to try to learn more about Apocalypse’s scheme. Wolverine comes away with almost no new information, so Xavier decides to violate his own code of ethics and read Sabretooth’s mind against his will. Looking like heroes here, guys. All Xavier learns is that Apocalypse wants to use his abducted psychics to “master time”, somehow.

The X-Men decide that their best shot is to follow Cable’s lead and travel with him to 1200 B.C. to destroy the Lazarus Chamber. Not that Cable would be willing to do anything else, of course. He repeatedly tells the X-Men that their problems are boring and don’t matter to him, never mind that the X-Men’s current cosmic-level problem is a direct consequence of Apocalypse stealing a time machine from Cable. And let’s remember, dear reader, that the currently imprisoned Jean Grey is Cable’s mother, without whom he cannot exist. So anyway, welcome to Apocalypse’s insane looking pyramid, architectural design by Dr. Wily.

Cable’s aggressive stupidity is so obvious by now that I think even the writers had to start commenting on it. Cyclops asks Xavier why Apocalypse might be abducting psychics:

Cable: Who cares? He’s pure evil and that’s why he’s GOTTA GO.

Beast: If Apocalypse is indeed the personification of evil, it may be impossible to destroy him.

Cable: WHY???

Beast: The conflict between good and evil is part of the fabric of existence. Perhaps the world cannot exist without evil. If Apocalypse is destroyed, evil may only take another form.

Cable: I’ll worry about that later.

It’s like watching Voltaire attempt to educate a clenched fist. My heart breaks for Hank McCoy. And later, when Cable and the others have gotten inside the pyramid:

Cable insists that he already knows every trap in the pyramid, then nearly falls into a spiked pit.

Cable: Thanks, I don’t know how I missed that one before.

Beast: Apparently Apocalypse will make a few alterations in the next five thousand years.

I’ll take this opportunity to point out that if Cable had been allowed to do what he’d originally wanted—travel to 1200 B.C. alone to destroy the pyramid—he’d have fallen into that trap and died right there. God, what a moron.

Anyway, by this point the good guys are fighting their way toward the Lazarus Chamber, having been met by Apocalypse’s Egyptian-era Four Horsemen. They look cooler than their modern day counterparts, I’ll give them that much. Other than that, the action is pretty basic. Cable does actually manage to do one smart thing, using his knowledge of the pyramid’s booby traps to take out one of the Horsemen. Another one of them lands on Cable with an entire horse, and while this doesn’t do permanent damage, it ensures that he won’t be able to proceed into the Lazarus Chamber with the rest of the team.

The good guys finally arrive at the Lazarus Chamber, only to realize too late that they’ve fallen into a trap. “Apocalypse” is revealed as a disguised Mystique, and the real Apocalypse electrifies the entire chamber from the comfort of the Temporal Control Center (somehow). Apocalypse claims his ultimate prize, Charles Xavier, while Cable stumbles into the Chamber to find everyone else unconscious.

Stray observations:

• Cable says “nail” a lot. I realize it’s an S&P approved substitute for “kill”, but like everything with Cable, it just feels so edgelordy and lame.

• On the toilet: Rogue and Jubilee, once again.

Part 4: End of the Beginning

Season 4, Episode 21. Air date: November 25, 1995.

In The Matrix, Morpheus explains that the entire human race is being held prisoner in a virtual reality simulation so that their machine overlords can use their bioelectricity and body heat as fuel. “Combined with a form of fusion, the machines had found all the energy they would ever need,” he says. An entire generation of nerds have pushed up their glasses to point out that this makes no sense, that a human body would make for a terribly inefficient power source. But these nerds are missing something. The phrase combined with a form of fusion is all the explanation the Wachowskis needed. It’s a perfect verbal sleight of hand that makes the premise feel plausible. It puts enough science in this fiction to keep our disbelief suspended. That, I think, is what differentiates sci-fi from fantasy. Sci-fi is rooted in the knowable (or at least feels that way), while fantasy is rooted in mystery, where power is ineffable and things Just Are. Neo can break the laws of physics and come back from the dead because he has learned to perceive the code underneath the Matrix. Gandalf can break the laws of physics and come back from the dead because he is Gandalf.¹

I say all this because Apocalypse’s master plan doesn’t read as sci-fi to me. Sure, the wider Marvel universe has its fair share of magic. In the comics, more than one X-Man has been to Hell, which is a real place. But the show has steered clear of the magical side of Marvel, remaining firmly in sci-fi. Apocalypse’s plan doesn’t feel as if it’s grounded in the same world as mutants and time traveling cyborgs. Instead, it feels like a magic ritual. There’s even an orb.

Apocalypse’s version of “combined with a form of fusion” is this: “Time is motion, and motion and thought are a unity. Two aspects of a single power that is beyond comprehension to all but myself. That is why certain psychics can see into the future. The mind can transcend time.” By gathering together all these psychics at the Axis and then sacrificing them, Apocalypse will destroy time itself and remake the universe in his own image.

I like the idea that psychics derive their powers from a special relationship with time. The mind can transcend time even has a grain of truth to it. After all, memory is the mind traveling to the past, and planning is the mind traveling to the future, so to speak. But the show hasn’t really done anything with the idea other than say it out loud, making “therefore Apocalypse can use psychics to destroy the universe” a hard pill to swallow.

But alright, this is a make-believe cartoon for little kids. Maybe I’m asking too much, even though we’ve seen the show do much better. Even giving the story’s premise the benefit of the doubt, what Part 4 does with the core cast is just unforgivable. In the immediate aftermath of Part 3, Cable blows up Apocalypse’s pyramid in 1200 B.C. and we see five X-Men (Cyclops, Gambit, Storm, Beast, and Archangel) board the Graymalkin with him. Yet when Cable eventually arrives at the End of Time, somehow it’s just him. Everyone else vanishes from the story until the epilogue. Wolverine is also there, because it’s very important that Wolverine be present for all big stories.²

Part 4’s action revolves around two things, the first of which is the collapse of Apocalypse’s tenuous alliance with his fellow villains. Upon learning the true intent of Apocalypse’s plan, Magneto is disgusted to be in league with someone who “would destroy the innocent along with the guilty.” It’s a nice character note and it kicks off the betrayals and counter-betrayals that will fill the back half of this episode. Magneto and Mystique do their best to fight off Apocalypse and the Horsemen. While Magneto and Mystique have famously great chemistry in the movies and comics, they’ve never even been in the same room on this show, and yet it still feels really cool to see them fight together. What’s less cool is the mounting obviousness of the second thing that powers this story: guns. Mystique somehow holds off the Four Horsemen with nothing but a laser pistol while Magneto frees Wolverine.

Meanwhile, Bishop ambles ever closer to the Temporal Control Center, once again enduring Bender. I wish Bender’s incessant craziness had a point, that maybe his constant stream of nonsense would turn out to be clues that Bishop eventually uses to gain the upper hand and save the day. But no, Bishop doesn’t learn anything useful from these interactions. He just notices the newly added ring of hovering psychics around the Temporal Control Center and decides to shoot one out of the sky. It happens to be Psylocke, and she tells him to shoot down as many as he can, so he does.

Back at the Temporal Control Center, Wolverine and Mister Sinister engage in a minor tussle that shatters Apocalypse’s magic orb, reversing his attempt to destroy time (cue footage of the Shi’ar, random New Yorkers, and a few leftover X-Men fading out of or into existence). Sinister decides to cut his losses, and he and the Nasty Boys (Nasty Boys) head for the nearest portal. A few seconds later, Cable shoots Apocalypse with a big rifle, which somehow causes the Temporal Control Center to shatter into little floating pieces. There’s some slightly fun back and forth as Wolverine and Magneto save each others’ lives, only for Apocalypse to make one last literal power grab via another magic orb. By this point, Bishop has finally made his way to the center of the action and—say it with me—shoots the orb. Apocalypse brags that he is immortal and can never truly be stopped. That’s when Professor Xavier, leading the newly freed psychics, declares that their combined power is enough to pull Apocalypse out of the Axis and put him back in normal time, where he’ll cease to exist (Cable destroyed his regeneration chamber, remember?).

Apocalypse had a thousand years to plan this. Bishop and Cable foiled it with a couple of rifles. Everyone departs for the regular universe, and Bender turns to the camera to reveal that he’s actually Immortus, longtime Marvel villain and Kang the Conquerer variant. It’s a twist out of nowhere and it will never be revisited. Maybe this was all Immortus’s convoluted way of removing one of the only true threats to his own power? Who can say? Certainly not the writers.

In the epilogue scene, noted paraplegic Charles Xavier is depicted standing next to Magneto. This isn’t a blink-and-you’ll-miss it animation error, either. He even gets a few lines while fully upright!

Beast asks Cable if, having destroyed what he considers the incarnation of evil, he thinks the world has been changed. He replies, “I really don’t care. I just wanna go home.” I’m sure this sounded cool to an exhausted writers’ room. Archangel says to Psylocke, “I wish I’d been there to help,” and you know, me too, buddy. Why weren’t you? Why wasn’t anyone?

A story this big with an ending this bad triggers in me an overwhelming urge to suggest some rewrites. As this review is already way too long, I’ll keep it to three items:

1. For the love of God, get rid of Bender. He’s annoying and completely pointless. Everything Bishop learns during his slow, slow walk to the Temporal Control Center comes from various hanging time portals, not this Yakko Warner ripoff.

2. Psychics having a special relationship with time is a cool idea, but the story doesn’t do anything with it. What if instead, characters occasionally received mysterious messages from out of nowhere, cryptic hints that help push the story along or pay off in weird ways. Imagine Wolverine seeing an apparition of Jean before he interrogates Sabretooth, or Archangel dreaming of Psylocke before they meet, or Xavier getting a strange message from himself, with the final reveal that it’s all been coming from the trapped psychics at the End of Time. The psychics get to do more than just lay around, and Apocalypse’s monologue about their true power gets some weight behind it.

3. Cable is the son of Jean Grey and a powerful telepath in his own right. The TV show has never once shown him using his mutant powers. It’s all guns all day, forever. It would make for a fun twist if the crown jewel of Apocalypse’s collection of psychics wasn’t Xavier, but Cable. Over the course of the story, Cable would move from protagonist to damsel to, perhaps, a more interesting hero in the final minutes. It might also present an opportunity for Jean to do anything in the finale.

Stray observations:

• The animation is all over the place in this episode. Bishop’s rifle doubles or halves in size depending on the scene.

• Archangel, theatrically berating Cable in the aftermath of Part 3: “He knew! Apocalypse knew your stupid plan before we made our first move!” I think Archangel is this story’s MVP, honestly.

• Apocalypse: “You have traveled over 50 centuries of time to stop me. When will you learn it cannot be done?” See? Somebody knows how to do math.

• On the toilet: technically no one. Everyone appears at least briefly in this story, even if they’re just wordlessly vanishing in and out of existence. But they might as well be in the bathroom.